My latest blog ” Tell My Children I Await Them In Paradise” was my 50th post published last week. I started this blog a little over a year ago. So much has happened since then. I thought it would be good to go back to memory lane and revisit some of my first posts. As I read them, I can remember my thoughts as I typed out words which flowed freely from me. I can now recognize what I was feeling but didn’t know what it was at the time. I can also state when I was writing these blogs, I believed in dreams. But what I didn’t know is that my biggest and wildest dream could come true…… Please read to the end and stay tuned.
The following was my first blog called “My Journey.” I remember I was nervous and insecure about starting a blog. I never wrote anything in my life. I was afraid of what others would think. But something pushed me to do it. It has been my biggest outlet and healing source for myself. Little did I know was somehow my release would help others who have experienced heartache too. Please enjoy….
Hello World! My name is Daneen H. Lockhart. Welcome to my journey of a 47 year old widowed diva. Please join me as I walk through my sad, bad, good, and funny healing process. A loss of a spouse, child, parent, friendship, relationship, pet, or job is a heartbreak that hurts to the core of our soul. I was hoping that there was a healing manual with instructions on how to cope after a loss but, sadly, there isn’t one. So let’s invent one together. I pray that I can somehow help you as I am learning the many lessons of life after loss.
I love dressing up, wearing perfume, great haircuts and hair color. I love makeup, beautiful handbags, expensive jeans, and shoes. You can NEVER have enough shoes. I guess these are some of the many reasons why my girls started calling me “Diva Daneen”. Why not? You only live once. Why not look your best while living?
I have been a licensed cosmetologist for a hundred years. I once owned my own salon and now I am a proud co-owner of a beauty school called A jour Academy of Beauty. Sounds fancy huh?? I teach and sell beauty. But most importantly, I try to teach by example that beauty comes from within. We must walk with grace and dignity no matter what life throws at us.
However, anyone that knows me, knows that I can curse like a sailor and fight like a man. I have no filter and have been told that I have “foot in the mouth disease”. I speak the raw truth. When push comes to shove, I can throw a mean right hook.
When I lost Shawn, I knew that I would have to walk this walk with grace and dignity. However, I learned very quickly that I was in a fight like no other. I would have to fight with both fists for my and our children’s life. My knight in shining armor was not here on earth anymore to protect us. It is all on ME now to fight for us. I think it was the “fight” in me that saved me from rolling over to die when I lost my one and only, my husband of 26 years, high school sweetheart, father of our three beautiful children, and most of all, my best friend. I miss my friend… I know that he wants me to continue this fight that I am in and he wants me to win. I WILL win this fight, because Shawn always told me that he loved how I could be a “girly girl” and how I could knock someone’s head off if they pissed me off enough. 🙂
As I said before, I speak the raw truth. I am walking into a new, unknown chapter in my life. My blog site. I pray that I do not upset any of my family members with the details I plan on sharing. Life is way too short to be nothing but truthful. How can one begin to heal if you aren’t honest with yourself? This is MY healing process…. Please stay tuned for my next blog. I want to warn any family member or friend that it will be a very detailed story of the worst day of my life. The day I lost Shawn.
This next one was my second post ” What in the world am I doing??? I’m a Diva. Not A Blogger.” It was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching one ever. As I read it now, I can now remember some more memories from that day. It amazes me how my mind blocked some of them, and how now I can recall a few more of them. Are the memories ones I wanted to remember? Yes. Were they good ones? No. Why am I relived I can recognize them now? Because it is a part of me and my journey. They were the last moments Shawn and I had together. I feel blessed and honored to have been the one by his side and it was my voice he heard telling him I loved him....
WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING???? I’M A DIVA. NOT A BLOGGER-
Oh! Hello there! It’s MMMEEEEEE!!!! Somehow I found my way into a bloggers world. I am not an author and have never blogged before. So why am I here? Well it’s a long, beautiful, and sad story. I hope that you will join me while I tell it.
As I sit here with my two dogs and my grand dog, I am trying to figure out where I should begin telling the story of two teenagers that fell in love in high school at the age of 15 and 16. Do I begin our story of how we met or do I begin our story of how we lost each other? Don’t all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time” and end with “And they lived happily ever after”? Our fairy tale began like that but, sadly, it didn’t end that way. Since our fairy tale isn’t the typical kind, I will begin with the sad ending, so that I can share at a later time the beautiful parts of our fairy tale. Along the way, I hope to begin the healing process while writing our story that began over 30 years ago but now must wait. Welcome to my journey…..
Monday morning, December 30, 2013 started out like every Monday morning for me. I woke up, fed my dogs, made a pot of coffee, started a load of laundry, fired up my computer to check out what my friends were up to on Facebook and posted an inspirational quote for the day. However, this Monday was going to be a little different for me. Shawn, my husband, and I took off from work for a much-needed week-long break. We had planned to spend time together and were looking forward to it. I remembered going into our bedroom and asking him when was he going to get up. We were supposed to go to the grocery that morning to prepare for New Years Eve. He wasn’t feeling well the night before and said he still didn’t feel good. So I left him, went back into the kitchen for another cup of coffee and chatted on FB with a few friends about their plans for New Year’s Eve. After some time, I decided that I was tired of him complaining that he wasn’t feeling good and thought if I would make a fuss he would get up and get ready for our day. I mean we DID go to the doctor on Friday and were told that his lungs were fine and the shortness of breath he was complaining about was probably just anxiety…. So I went in and told him that I was leaving to go to the grocery without him. I jumped into the shower and began to shampoo my hair. A few minutes later he came in with a cup of coffee, took a few sips and then jumped into the shower with me, just as we always did ,everyday, our whole marriage. He asked me why was I being so nasty to him and I told him I was tired of him saying he didn’t feel good and that the doctor said he was fine. I asked him what was he feeling and he said he just doesn’t feel good. That wasn’t a good enough answer for me, so I turned my back to him and continued my shower. He got out, dried off and got back into our bed. I got dressed, put my makeup on, and dried my hair. When I walked back into our room and he was STILL in bed, I told him that he had two choices. 1.) Get up. or 2.) I was calling 911. At this point, I was thinking he was just being lazy and he only “thought” he was sick and if I threatened him, he would get up to start our day together. So back into the bathroom I go to finish up my hair. The next thing I remember is hearing a loud crash and then a gurgling sound. Shawn wasn’t in our bed. Where was he? I ran to the other side of our bed, and there he was. On the ground, bleeding. My thoughts were, “Oh My God… He passed out and hit his head”. I screamed his name, he looked at me and said “Help me put my underwear on”. I did, and then everything seemed to slow down like a slow motioned movie. He began the gurgling sounds again. I remember screaming, “Don’t do this”!!!! He was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t understand. “No Shawn, don’t do THIS.” I really didn’t know what “this” was but I knew I needed to call 911. I picked up his cell phone and dialed it. I remember the operator asking what the emergency was and I said, “I need help”. From this point, my memory is broken up into small segments. I remember holding his head, talking to the operator, leaving him on the floor to put the dogs outside because I knew the paramedics would be getting there. I remember being told to roll him on his side, feeling his body sweating, the gurgling sounds, his eyes, OMG… his eyes. At some point I picked up my cell phone while holding his with the 911 operator on the line. I called our son. Why did I do that? I don’t know. I told him to get home, his father was having a heart attack. How did I know he was having a heart attack? I don’t know. I remember leaving him again to get clothes for him because I just knew that once they got to our home, we would be going to the hospital. Thank God the operator told me to talk to him. I leaned down put my lips on the side of his face. I could taste his sweat. I began to tell him that I loved him over and over again. I begged him to stay with me over and over again. His eyes….. His beautiful eyes. Please Shawn, look at me. I told him again that I loved him, he could hardly say it, but I heard him. He said “I know you love me”. I think this is around the time I knew we were in serious trouble and time slowed down even more. I was losing him. I remember asking the operator where were the paramedics and she said that they have arrived and should be in front of my house. I then left Shawn again ,which to this day I regret, and ran to the front door. As I approached the door our son, Shawn Jr., was entering the house. I asked him “Where are the paramedics?” and he said “Outside”. This is where there is a lapse of time in my memory. The next moment I can remember is when I’m standing back in our room looking down at our son holding his father and telling him to wake up. ( I think this is when Shawn took his last breath. In my son’s arms. But I am not sure.) The room was silent and I no longer heard my husband gasping for air. I heard the paramedics coming in, the dial tone from the phone that somehow I still had to my ear, and me screaming in my head…”This is NOT happening.” This is when another lapse of time occurred that my memory can’t recall. The very next moment I can remember is when my son and I were in the kitchen and I must have been freaking out or something and he grab me and said we need to pray. So we held each other and began The Lord’s Prayer. I remember praying….”Our Father Who Art in Heaven” and than I pulled away and stopped. There wasn’t enough time to pray that prayer. My husband was dying on our bedroom floor. As I turned back and looked into our room, I could only see his bare feet moving back and forth from the pushing of the paramedic while they were performing CPR on him. My mind told me ‘this is real’ but I didn’t want to believe it. So instead of praying, I began screaming at God, “DON’T TAKE HIM!!!” over and over again. I could hear what was being done to my husband. I could hear what they were saying. I could hear my husband dying. So then I decided to start BEGGING God to not take him. I began to start making promises to God that if He didn’t take him that I would take care of Shawn no matter how God would choose to leave him. “Please God, don’t take him, I’ll take care of him even if it means he is a vegetable.” God had other plans…. I heard them call the time. It was over. The next moment of time is one that will forever be engraved in my mind. I was sitting by our fireplace and I felt his soul leave mine. I know I had an out of body experience. I saw myself sitting there with my head and shoulders down. My hair was hanging in my eyes with shock on my face. I looked into my son’s eyes and told him “He’s gone”. Shawn looked back at me and said “I know”.
This is where my journey of a widowed diva began. I now somehow had to muster up the strength to make phone calls to family members. I had to wipe my smeared mascara from my eyes. I had to face my two daughters and tell them that it is true. Their beloved father was gone.
Stay tuned for more of our story. The “ending” is really sad, but I promise it will get better as I get to our “beginning”. I also promise that you will be amused at the things that this Diva has learned how to do on my own. Things like cutting grass and starting a lawn mower. Unclogging a garbage disposal. Draining a 75 gallon fish tank with a hose that I had to suck on one end until it began draining. Spitting. I learned quickly how to spit out slimy fish tank water. I also learned very quickly that I had to take control of MY life and start learning how to live it MY way. So many people want to help me in anyway that I may need. You have no idea how blessed I am to have the support system that has rallied around me and my children. However, there are also some that want me to live my life the way they think I should live it. I’ve been judged by some of the decisions that I needed, not wanted, to make. There is no time or space in my life for negativity and judgmental opinions. I am relearning how to live, this is my second chance at life, and I am going to live it the best that I can….. These are just a few of my many lessons I’ve learned so far. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
I will continue to post some of my older blogs. They will all be titled “Memory Lane” within the next few weeks. I will also continue to write new ones, too. Please continue to follow me. A lot of great and exciting things are coming which I can honestly say is God-sent and my dream has come true. I am working on all the details and once everything gets solidified, I will share my good news with you within a week or two!!! It is because of YOU and your support I continue to share and walk my journey.